Why is it, that when someone says something negative about us we tend to remember it for life but when someone notices something great, we downplay it so much?
Why is it is so much easier for us to accept the bad but not the good?
We all love to be noticed in one way or the other however very few of us know how to accept compliments. Most of us downplay the compliment or reject them entirely. When our talent, beauty, kindness or anything else for that matter is admired by someone else, our first reaction is to deflect the attention. I remember from my example, if someone expressed their gratitude for my help, I often was prone to redirect this compliment and respond “Oh it’s nothing, anyone would’ve done it”.
Well no. I helped, thanks for noticing and you’re very welcome.
At some point, I realised that downplaying it was literally like an insult to the person that took the time to express their gratitude for whatever it is that I did. There is no reason to make yourself seem any less useful, less kind or less talented only because you think it’s going to make you look vain if you say ’thank you’ or ‘You’re welcome’. Not acknowledging the compliments that someone else might be giving you may seriously seem pretty ungrateful and insecure.
Why?
Because that other person took the time to pay them to you and speaking from experience, it’s not always easy so acknowledging it and being grateful for it is the best way. So how to accept compliments?
Gratitude.
Yes, gratitude is the key. It is the only acceptable way of accepting and acknowledging someone else’s compliments and kind remarks. Sincere, genuine gratefulness will not make your look proud or vain, it will just truly show the other person recognition and appreciation. In a way, it’s not only about you, but it’s also about the other person too. Let’s put it this way, try to recall the last time you paid someone a compliment? A genuine, from the heart compliment? I bet some of you may find it hard. You may wonder why? Well, we often refrain from speaking kindly to others about their skill, beauty or anything else because we don’t want to offend them or we worry about how will they take it.
Maybe they don’t like to receive compliments?
Maybe they will feel weird if a stranger compliments them?
Maybe it will make them uncomfortable.
Maybe this or maybe that.
What we need to understand, however, is that if your gesture comes from the heart, from a genuine place of love, it is not going to create anything other than gratitude, love and kindness. And all of these three emotions aforementioned can only create a chain reaction so spread it around like it’s glitter (a biodegradable one!)! So if you struggle to accept compliments I’d suggest the below:
1. Be humble and just say “Thank you”. It’s the simplest way and also the easiest. When someone pays you a compliment on your work or talent you can always elaborate more and say “Thank you, I appreciate it” or “Thank you, It means the world to me”. I am an empath and truly feel how hard it sometimes is for people to speak so I often go for a hug at this stage too and say how appreciative of the fact that they took the time to come up to me and say these kind words.
2. Don’t downplay it. We all know it’s easy to say “Thanks but I could have done better”. Just take it in and embrace it and just show your gratitude.
3. Acknowledge others. If you taking part in something that’s not necessarily just your effort, e.g a team event or a gig with a band, make sure you acknowledge their efforts too. If you’re a singer for example, at the end of the gig make sure you say thank you to your amazing band! If you organised an event with someone else and a person who attended is thanking you, make sure you mentioned that you extend the gratitude to the other person that helped organise it too.
4. PRACTICE: Pay compliments to others – make them full of love and joy. See how other people deal with them, watch their reactions and see what happens. One of the very cool exercises I did at my office once was sharing compliments with the two most grumpy people at the office. I decided that I will not let their moods affect me so every morning when I came in, With a big and genuine smile on my face, I said: “Good morning Chrissy, you look beautiful, hope you’ll have a wonderful day!”. I continued the exercise for over 2 weeks and funny thing is, at the beginning I was always met with a growl or a quiet “Whatever…”. I swear that about a week in, the people I tested this experiment on were happier and more accepting of the compliments. It was fun and I loved seeing their smiles. I felt every word I said to them, it always came from the heart and a place of love. I was super happy to see their attitude change so quickly. Do you know someone grumpy? Give this a try!
You should also remember, that in more formal situations there are rules to follow too. If you’re being toasted to, do not drink from your glass at the end of it, it’s like patting your own back or singing your happy birthday song. Wait for the toast to finish first and for everyone to drink, then toast back and say thank you! Another one of the important rules to follow is when you’re given an award! Always make sure you accept it with your left hand so that you can use the right hand to accept congratulations and shake hands if required! It shows humility and grace to those who are congratulating you!
There is another point I would like to mention, if receiving compliments is a fear of yours I would strongly advise you to check your actions and see if the root of the problem might come from something that you actually do yourself.
One of my friends, Jess, a very good singer, really struggled to accept compliments from others, especially if they were coming from the singers themselves. She hired me to help her get over it.
To understand her a little better and know where her beliefs and fears stem from, I decided to accompany her to few gigs, not only hers but also those of other people that she was observing in the industry. As we were observing a gig of, what I saw as a really good band, my friend was super quick to judge and point to what was wrong with their performance, she made quite a few negative remarks about the vocals and the overall act. Me, as someone who does not work in the industry, didn’t notice anything wrong with it. I don’t think anyone in the audience did other than my friend, everyone seemed to have the most amazing time. She made sure I was aware of her feelings but at the end of the gig when she met the band, she gave them tonnes of compliments and told them how great the gig was. Oh, well, this didn’t come from the heart.
All I was thinking was “Girl, you rinsed them 20 minutes ago!”
This right there straight away solved our first problem. She was fearful that the people who paid her compliments at the end of her gigs were just not honest.
Why?
Because she was not. You see, my dear readers, we are what we project. Watch yourself and you will realise that when words come from a good heart and a good place inside of you, they will bring nothing but love and kindness. So next time you want to say something to someone, no matter what it is, If it’s not genuine and will serve no purpose then just don’t say it.
As always, sending you all love & light
Mags xx