The idea of having your heart broken is not great. Nobody wants that, right? I was alone for 6 years before he turned up and swept me off my feet. It was unexpected, to say the least.
A couple of days before I met him I was advising one of my coaching clients on dating. She was very fed up of Tinder and the repeated cycle of speaking to someone for a couple of weeks, meeting them at the bar, drinking and having pointless conversations. She wasn't a drinker, she wasn't into all that "let's get wasted and party" malarkey but on dates, she'd imply that she likes it.
"On your date tomorrow, I would like you to truly be yourself," I said to her. "Don't drink if you do not want to, don't pretend to be somebody else, say what your real interests are, go for a walk or to a gallery instead of a bar, truly be yourself. If you pretend to be someone you're not, the likelihood is, he will find out sooner or later and the relationship will be over anyway. So give it your best shot, as YOU." and so she did. They've been seeing each other ever since and are happy.
I took my advice that very same week. When I met him I was truly myself and he truly loved it and so did I. We ended up seeing each other for the next 5 months. It was beautiful. We were one of those couples that make you sick. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. When we were close to arguing, we'd look into each other's eyes and list all the reasons we fell for each other. The arguments just never happened after that, we would result in a normal conversation as we'd realise that we are not fighting against each other, it's the two of us together against the same problem.
We spent lots of time together and we barely turned the TV on, maybe 2 or 3 times. We preferred silence or music, talking about our dreams or desires, planning futures and staring into each other eyes. It was beautiful.
Then one day he came to my home, sat on the corner of my bed and said: "I genuinely think I came here to break up with you".
And that was it. The five months of happiness were over.
I struggled the first couple of days and then was ok-ish after we had another discussion about why this is happening and then I struggled some more. I know you may think that 5 months is not a long time but to me, this 5 months was the most significant 5 months in my love life, not only sexually but also mentally. I learnt more in the 5 months I had with him than I have in my 5-year long relationship a few years before that. Losing someone who gave so much love to me was quite a devastating moment in my life but me being the person I am, I believe that the timing is always right.
I self-coach myself through pretty much any circumstance so when I have begun to feel comfortable in my "swamp" I knew I had to snap out of it. I pulled my white board and talked to myself the way I would to any heart broken client of mine.
I wanted to share with you the tips on how I dealt with this break-up in hope that they might help you.
So here they are:
1. Do the things you dread doing.
This was the biggest step in beginning closure in my case. Making food (And eating!), listening to music and grounding were the things I genuinely didn't want to do as I was worried I would burst into tears. I didn't want to do any of that because those things reminded me of him so much it hurt. The morning I realised I was comfortable in a 'Swamp of self-pity' I forced myself out of bed. I went down to my garden, took my slippers off and grounded myself. Yes, the memory of doing that with him just a couple of weeks before flooded my mind but I took them in and let them go, "I'm doing me now, this is for me" I said to myself. After that, I made a sandwich and I forced myself to eat it. I put on my music, pasted a smile on my face and danced and twirled around in the kitchen the same way I used to do before he came into my life. It felt weird as it was so forced but it's funny how quickly a smile can change the whole approach to things. Give it a go now and let me know how it feels!
2. Write it out.
I wanted to contact my ex, pretty much every day. Or maybe it was every minute of the day. I knew he wouldn't respond so I didn't. I knew that my mind would start making up stories that he doesn't care about me or that he's with someone else and I would start resenting him. I didn't want that. So I turned to a pen and paper or the notes on my phone. I started writing the day of the break up as if I was writing to him. I would tell him about my day and what helped me 'survive' it (just to sound dramatic!). I would tell him why I think this break up is good for both of us and how I am ready to focus on myself again. I'd never sent it to him but writing it down genuinely helped.
3. Talk it out.
Meet with your friends and talk it out. Talk about how it made you feel and why it hurts the way it does. But be true to yourself. Very often the hurt that we feel is not really a heartbreak, it's a hit to our ego. Separate yourself from the two and see where the feelings are coming from. I loved talking about how much good we had and how much I learned from the experience. For you, it might be better to focus on the bad things from your relationship but always, always, always make sure it comes out of love. Look at it as a lesson, a lesson in finding our what you want or do not want in the future.
4. Get active.
Activity is good for your brain. I love to get close to nature. Doing mindful walks in the park was my thing. I would look at everything to keep my mind occupied. I would take my shoes off and ground myself on the grass too. For you, gym or running may be your preferred option. Either way, get those endorphins flowing in your body!
5. Be grateful.
Being grateful for what I have was a major part of my 'recovery', It may seem hard at first to think about the things you have and still love but it's a game-changer. I made sure that I have little 'thank you' notes around my room and at work. I even set an alarm called 'thank you' for every morning. This way, when I wake up to turn it off, my body fills with gratitude.
Thank you for my breath,
Thank you for the roof over my head
Thank you for people that are still in my life and for people that have left.
Thank you for the moon and the stars
Thank you for the sun
Thank you for the rain that touches my skin
Oh, I could go on forever.
There are always so many things to be thankful for.
6. Start a "sad diet"
It's OK to feel sad and it's ok to cry, however you don't want to spend the entire day and night doing it! If you feel the need to be sad, set yourself a time limit for your sadness. Give yourself 5 minutes every hour if you want to, then reduce it every day and go down to 4, 3, 2, 1 the following days.
7. Fall in love with yourself.
Before you get back into dating, give some time to yourself. Fall in love with yourself again so that when you meet someone again you won't let anyone chip away pieces of your self-worth and self-confidence. Love yourself the way you want someone else to love you and then open yourself up to love. It comes in the most unexpected scenarios!
8. Manifest
A couple of weeks after the break up I decided to finally write in my manifestation journal. I believe I manifested my ex but now I know I wasn't detailed enough. This time I wrote about who I want to manifest into my life in such detail that when the next guy comes into my life I will know exactly that it is him. So write, whether it's a person you want to manifest or a certain dream that you have. Write about it as if it already happened. The Universe always listens.
9. Write to yourself.
One of the most healing techniques I advise my clients to do is to write to themselves from the future. Do you remember your last break up and how brokenhearted you were? How hard it was to get out of bed, move or eat?
Yes?
Now, do you remember when you finally overcame that feeling and realised it was the best thing that ever happened to you?
Imagine if at the beging when it hurt the most, you received a letter from that future self telling you you're going to be OK. How awesome would that be, right? Having that reassurance from the future you. Well then, imagine yourself few months from now as the person you want to be, imagine the things you want to feel, possibly with the person you want to be with and write a letter to yourself as that person. Whoever you want to be, you can be it now. Act as if you were that person and feel it from deep within you. Because trust me, the healing is coming, the growth is already here.
10. Move at your own pace.
There is no rules on how to deal with a break up. All of them vary, the situations vary. Mine was the most beautiful break up I've ever had. Yes, it was. Despite the fact that it hurt me as if I fell 20 floors down on to a concrete floor I still choose to see beauty in it. I also choose to deal with it in a beautiful way. I chose not to call myself broken, I am growing and healing. My healing continues as I write this post. Your process may just be beginning and that's why you're reading this post. Just take it at your own pace and allow the healing to happen.
There is one extra point I want to add...
Forgive.
Forgiving someone who hurt you may seem like an impossible task but it's one of the most important parts of healing process. Forgive and wish them well. Forgive and send them love.
Maybe you need to forgive yourself if you're blaming yourself for the situation. Either way, forgive. For all you know, your ex might be out having the time of his/her life while you're still beating yourself up for the fact that it ended. Use the healing energy to grow.
It's up to you how you deal with your break up. There is no right or wrong way. I do believe we are conditioned to deal with it in a certain way, we're conditioned to feel 'broken'. But what if we don't want to? What if we don't want to live from the past?
If I was to rely on my past experiences, I would say breakups are really hard.
My past says:
It's hard letting someone you love go.
It's tough starting from scratch.
It's difficult not being able to get in touch with them.
It's sad not having the mornings in bed together, finding the new routine.
It's hard not being reminded of them everywhere you go.
It's challenging to not think of them when something fun or interesting happens.
It's even harder trying to stay away and not text them or call them when you want to share something that only they would understand.
Breakups are hard because they require a lot of discipline but if you focus on growth rather than the abandonment that you feel than maybe there is am easier way than pain?
What if we look at breakups them in a different way?
What if we let that person go because we love them enough to let them live their life on their own terms?
What if you learn to love yourselves so much that staying with someone who doesn't give you 100% is just not going to cut it?
What if starting from scratch will give you the opportunity to be able to make different choices and decisions that will make you happier in the long run?
What if the mornings you used spent in bed with them could finally be used for the gym or yoga you skipped the last few months?
What if not getting in touch with them will give you the time to get in touch with yourself?
What if you could share the fun and interesting stuff with someone who could appreciate it even more or with your friends instead?
What if that text you're trying not to send could instead be a vision that you write of what you truly want to manifest in life?
What if that call you wanted to make was a call to someone you haven't spoken to in a while but wish that you haven't lost touch with?
Breakups are hard but what if, rather than thinking what you have lost, you look at what you have gained?
Love yourself the way you want someone else to love you and trust me, they will appear in your path soon enough.
As always with Love and Light,
Mags x