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  • Writer's pictureMagda

What is personalisation?

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where there are two or more people who experienced the same event however when asked about it, each of them told a seemingly similar but very different story?

When a friend is talking to someone about a situation you were both involved in but you find yourself thinking "Wait, it didn't go like this".

That's personalisation. We all personalise things, situations and feelings in a completely different way to one another and it all starts with our childhood conditioning. The way I like to explain it to my clients is like this:

Imagine two friends, raised in a similar type of environment. Let's call them Jack and Jill. Jack's mum, always told him that bunnies are cute, good and gentle. Jill's mum was afraid of bunnies and she taught her that bunnies are mean and terrifying.

When Jack and Jill sat in the forest one day, a bunny came to them and Jack got super excited and called him over. When Jill realised what's going on, she took the nearest rock she could find and threw it at the innocent bunny to scare him away. They both 'personalised' the situation differently

Personalisation depends on a lot of factors, from childhood conditioning to upbringing, to situations we are faced with as we go through this journey called life. It applies to everything that surrounds us, situations, feelings, people.

We often find ourselves in situations where we just cannot understand other persons point of view, or when the other person just cannot understand ours. This is all because of that so-called personalisation. We all see things differently. I have many clients who come to me trying to understand why their relationships fall apart or do not go as they hoped they would. The first lesson I teach them is the understanding that no everybody will think in the same way as you do. We all use the resources we have available to us. The second one is that you will never be able to control other people or situations but they can control how they react to them which in turn may significantly change the outcome.

In this post, I would like to point your attention to the fact that your happiness and mental well-being is dependant on you, and you alone. The way you personalise things is your responsibility and you should take it upon yourself to do it the best way you can. When it comes to me, I tried to wipe my whole belief system clean when I started my coaching journey. Especially things that I knew were not my beliefs but my parents, my siblings, my teachers and so on. There were a lot of beliefs that were challenged daily. A lot of questions asked and a lot of "I am mind-blown" moments. With coaching especially, you genuinely do not want to push your beliefs on to people, it's more about giving them the tools to tap into what they already know within themselves, those little (but humongous) universal truths (not your learnt truths).

It is fair to say, that you cannot influence other peoples actions, but you can influence yours. The next time you feel like saying someone should do this or that, think where is that belief coming from. Do you think that the fact that you know it would be the right thing to do, warrants them to do the same? Their belief system might be completely different from yours. This analogy can be used in so many aspects of our lives.

We cannot expect others to act or think in the same ways as we do and it's very important to remember that when we communicate with others we are open and understanding that their personalisation may be completely different to yours. To finalise this post, I'd like to say, communication is the response you get so rather than thinking in your mind that people should be doing XY or Z, speak about it and be open to hearing the other side too. Your expectations do not have to match someone else's.

With love & light,

Mags x


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